HPB sent a text to MB earlier today, asking for forgiveness and telling MB that she wanted nothing more to do with me because I had sent something to her house. Not knowing what she was up to, I sent HPB a text (via email) and asked her, "What are you doing now?" I also asked why she had contacted MB again. To make a long story short, she accused me of sending naked pictures of her (ones she said she had sent to me) to her home. According to her, the pictures (don't know how many) were sent to her home (I guess via snail mail), so her parents would see them. HPB said she had originally sent the pictures to me only, they had to have come from me. The weird part was that she acted desperate for me to admit to sending the pictures. I wasn't following what she was saying too well, so I started asking questions. She ended up saying, "Call me and I'll tell you the deal."

Reluctantly, I called her cell phone (first blocking my number). She proceeded to light into me over the accusation that I supposedly sent the pictures to her home. I kept telling her I didn't know what she was talking about -- and didn't understand why I was being accused, especially when one of the first things she told me was about her continued issues with another female (SW), her boyfriend (JT) and his mother (P). I told HPB she needed to look to them and not accuse me. I had no reason to send anything to her -- in any form. Again, she said I was the only person she had ever sent naked pictures to -- and that the pictures sent to her home were of her, naked. According to what she was saying, I had to be the culprit. Along with that, she also told me that she had given the pictures to the police, who were fingerprinting them. HPB also said that she was taking out a restraining order/contact order against me. Then, she told me that her parents had received the pictures and that she had "told them everything about us". She said that she could prove that I was the only one to whom she sent the nude pictures -- because she had gone to Verizon's website and gotten a printout of all of her text messages and who they went to. Lastly, she told me she would drop everything and forget what happened if I admitted to sending the pictures to her home.

Just for fun, there are some serious problems with the credibility of what HPB claimed.
1) There is no way she would give nude pictures of herself to the police, unless there was some serious threat associated with them. Since she didn't mention any threats, I assume none were made. In fact, she did say there was some text, but didn't tell me what it said.
2) If the police did have the pictures and had fingerprints from them, would she really need a confession from whomever sent them? I kinda doubt it as fingerprints are conclusive.
3) How would non-threatening pictures sent to her home constitute grounds for a restraining or contact order?
3a) I haven't been the initial contact for any communications between us in months. She has.
4) There is no way in Hell, 19 year old HPB told her 46 year old father that she had an affair with the 46 year old husband of one of her former high school teachers AND exclusively sent him nude pictures of herself -- NO WAY. Her father would have gone off on her for that. And I seriously believe that he would have called me or my wife, if that was the case.
5) Verizon's website doesn't have a page for bringing up every text message a subscriber has sent. This is especially true because 99% of the texts she sent to me were from when she was an Alltel customer. I seriously don't believe that Verizon pulled over all of Alltel's customers and their text messages.
6) If she had so much evidence that I was the person who sent the pictures, why even talk to me about it? Why not use the fingerprints and Verizon information to justify a restraining order and be done with me?
7) If she knew I was the culprit, why act so desperate for me to admit it? If I was the only person who had ever received nude pictures of her, why ask at all? Answer: I obviously wasn't the only person to receive nude pics of her. She just wanted to pin it on someone, so she picked me -- and that gave her a reason to contact MB (which she knew would lead to me getting in contact with her).

So, anyway... it was an interesting conversation -- one moment, she was fussing and accusing. The next, she was talking about her boyfriend, church, school, where she's moving -- like we were old friends. I couldn't help but laugh. The situation was comical. Even so, I have to admit that she was very mature in the way she handled herself -- no cussing and no screaming in the phone (like she used to do). She listened when I talked and acted adult in the way she talked to me. I was impressed with the conversation (other than the absurd subject matter).

I told her I would answer her question (Did I do it?) IF and only IF she would answer MY questions seriously. She promised she would. I told her that I would go first... She reluctantly agreed. I asked several questions, but the main one was: Were any of the ailments you told about real? The answer: "Most were not. I was seeking attention and I should not have lied to you like that." I specifically asked about the breast lump (real: calcification due to soft drinks; comes & goes), thigh lump (not real; bumped her leg on something), diabetes (not real), low blood sugar (semi-real: doesn't eat right, so she feels bad sometimes). Finally, the truth -- most all of the ailments were attention seeking lies.

HPB had told MB, in the texts she sent, that she had mistaken her feelings for me and the positive attention I paid to her as love. Without mentioning the texts, I asked HPB if I ever really meant anything to her. She said, "Yes, at one time. But right now, I'm mad at you." I said, "That's not what I mean and you know it. Was I ever special and meaningful to you." Her answer, "Yes. You were. I wanted you in alotta ways, but that can never happen. So... you're a friend to me." [That is not her words, verbatim, but a paraphrase of what she said.]

I also asked if the whole affair and constant conversation with me was a ploy to break up my marriage because she was mad at MB. She emphatically said, "No, it had nothing to do with her." I reminded HPB of the time she told me that some of the situation with me was about MB and HPB's anger towards her over a couple incidences from high school. She told me that she had been mad, but that her former feelings for me were real, not a vendetta against MB. I thanked her for her candor and we changed the subject.

After about 40 minutes on the phone, much of that time she rambled between the pictures topics and the drama with SW/JT/P, or the joy of her new boyfriend, TM,  I told HPB that I needed to go. She said she did, too. I told her that I enjoyed most of our conversation, except for the crazy part at the beginning. She said she did too. I said, "Take care." She replied, "I'll talk to you later." I asked, "Do you ever want to talk with me again?" She said, "Sure... yeah... If I see you and MB, I'll probably say HI and stop to talk with you. Why can't we be friends on Facebook? Oh that's right. She doesn't want you too." I said, "Ok, then. Take care." She said, "You, too. Bye". We hung up.

Hopefully, that will be the last of the drama from HPB. The thing I feel kinda bad about is that I allowed her to think I was the one who sent the pictures to her home. Truthfully, I don't know who sent what or if the entire story was a fabrication designed to get my attention. Who knows? Nonetheless, I got answers to some questions I have asked for months and months. So, the time on the phone was well worth it for me. I'm settled and feel comfortable if we never speak again.

Some days, I get so depressed thinking about the future. I know that Jesus said for us not to worry about the future, but the practical (aka anal) side of me does worry. The questions that come to mind when I'm depressed about the pain from fibromyalgia and my back problems are:

Who would hire me if I loose this job?

Why would ANY company want to hire a 46 year old guy who can't lift much, can't stand on his feet very long, can't use his back in the daily routine, can't work long hours, -- can't function well without narcotic pain medications that also inhibit his learning capabilities?!?

Yeah, if I could work from home and just use my experience and knowledge, I could do a good job -- and make a decent employee. But, those jobs don't really exist in this part of the country. And our finances are not in a sufficient state to move to a large city. So, I'm screwed if anything ever happens at my current job. That scares me. NO, I am not affearin' to loose my job. My performance reviews are good and I constantly strive to help others. BUT, what if a larger corporation comes in and buys us out? What if someone in administration decides they want me out? It could happen!

...that reminds me of the MISTAKE I made ever trusting, believing or getting involved with HPB.

MISTAKE - Nickelback
As I sit and drift through bullshit,
that plagues from day to day.
Would you ever reaaaally notice I've gone awayyyyy?

And I'm over the wall,
I'm over the hill,
over at your place,

I'm over the safeties,
over the phone calls,
over the rage.

What a mistaaaake!

It's been more than a year since I posted My Despondency. It's been a long year since that time. Many things have happened during those 400 odd days. Some things have not changed at all. My goal is to go back and post regarding mental reflections of those days in the most honest and objective mindset possible.

And just because I'm anal about being real, the rules of those posts are:
1) Honesty above all else
2) Dates may not be exact
3) Text messages, emails, etc. will be used to jog my memory for posting
4) Posts may be short and not witty in their titles... but I need the thoughts and days preserved for posterity sake
5) Entries from the past will be marked as "AfterPost - "

At the same time, I once again feel the need to journal my despondency in the present...

=Archived Journal Entry=

Now, the rollercoaster of sincerity starts again... HPB just send a text asking me if she is a whore? Of course, I replied NO. I'm backing off on the rhetoric, in order to give her an out, if she wants it. I was playing full force -- adding to the game -- but I'm giving short answers & comments and not initiating more conversation  for now. Hopefully, she will take the out and move on -- or confess. I still want to help her with her real problems - whatever they are - but I'm offering very little advice or assistance right now. I don't want to invest too much real emotion until I see the end game.