It's been 17 months since I last posted. First, I could not login to my account. Then, I searched and couldn't find my blog on livejournal.com. Just this morning, I was thinking about the MyDespondency and decided to try again. I googled a phrase I knew was in the blog -- and guess what the first result was? My blog. So, I tried logging in with my old password. It worked like a charm. ??

I sure have missed posting here. There have been many days I could have used this outlet for my thoughts. That kinda sucks... those thoughts and days are gone. On the bright side, those thoughts and days are gone... and today is a new day. While I still suffer from clinical depression and all of the same physical ailments as I did 17 months ago, my despondency is not as bleak as it has been.

MB and I have been through quite a bit, but we are still together. We are stronger and more resolute to make things work. I've had two short contacts with HPB since Fall of 2010 -- and both were more business-like than her pulling at my heart strings or pushing some psychotic agenda. AN has just graduated from high school and is looking towards college. AB is a rising freshman who is excited about starting her high school experience. NR is as lively, crazy and fun as always. Those are good news items.

On the down side, I still have not had my knee surgery -- and my knee is killing me. I have "retired" from playing volleyball altogether. I don't even go out to the gym, so I won't be tempted to "play a few minutes". My weight is still up, but lower than it was last Spring (223 as of yesterday morning). Fibromyalgia is still the main cause of my pain issues, too. I hate it and truthfully, it kicks my butt many days of each month. But, I'm coping as best I can.
My mother still isn't talking to me, but has made it known that she thinks I am the total bad guy for our problems -- and that she holds no fault in us not communicating or being close anymore. Nice, huh?

I still like what I do for a living, but despise where I work more than ever. We had to take a pay cut awhile back -- for which only 2 of us have not been "re-compensated". And I have not had a raise in almost two years now. In fact, while looking over some old paperwork the other night, I found that I make 94 cents per hour less now, than I did at the end of 2006. Yippee!!
Working conditions are somewhat better in that we have moved to new digs in the main building. But, some things never change; ie crappy attitudes, lazy coworkers and backstabbing people who smile in your face. I think I know the reason the largest job website is called "monster" now. lol

Anyway, that's the short and sweet of my situation as of June 14, 2011. I'll be back soon... not 17 months from now. I might even backfill some days, just to have a record of those times and feelings. Keep reading...

AfterPost - It's early Friday morning... and I'm sitting in the living room by myself. No one else is awake. As I sit here reminiscing, my mind looks forward to this day, while my heart dreads it. Today, my oldest, AN, will graduate from high school. I still vividly remember her first day of kindergarten... walking her to class, taking her picture outside the classroom and then taking her inside to meet her new teacher. I stayed more than an hour that morning because she didn't want me to leave -- and frankly, I didn't want to leave her. That was almost 13 years ago.

Today, she walks across the stage, all alone, with her honors tassles and scholar medals around her neck. She is 18 now, almost a full grown woman. For the most part, all of this makes me happy. After all, it's my job to protect, teach, discipline and guide my children until they are ready to spread their wings and fly on their own. But... a father's heart breaks when his "Daddy's Girl" grows up and leaves him.

So, today my heart breaks... with pride and optimism for AN... and with the sorrow of knowing she is spreading her wings and leaving me.

I love you AN. Happy Graduation Day!

What a way to start the day that I was supposed to be in surgery for my "busted up" knee. I had to "unpallet" a heavy, 42U server rack and put it in the Data Center = by myself. BV and DE both said they'd go over "in a few minutes" and help me. No one ever showed up... so I just did it.

It's fairly typical of one, but not so of the other. Anyway, it's done and I finished it... so be it.

DE said he had one thing to get started and he'd be right over. When I got back, he was still sitting as his desk. BV was standing in the doorway talking to DE and EJ. They think I don't notice crap like that. I know... and I notice. I just have to remember to do the right thing -- no matter what they do or what I really feel like doing.

Every one of them knew that was a TWO PERSON job that should not be attempted by one person. NONE of them would have done it by themselves. But, it's OK. That's the way I get done left and right. Like I said... so be it. I don't care. I might get upset, but I'm not going to be beaten down anymore.

Well, I just left the orthopedic surgeon's office. He looked at my MRI and the radiologist's report -- then asked me when I want to schedule surgery on my knee. I told him, "As soon as possible." He said he's going to "scope" my left knee and hopefully trim off the meniscus tears. If he can't trim the torn pieces, he may suture the tears back together (IF they are in the right places). He indicated this may not be the only surgery I end up having on my knee.

Arthoscopic surgery is scheduled for January 12, 2010.

The way I look at it, this may alleviate at least some of the pain I put up with on a daily basis. That is a bright spot, in my mind. We'll see...

HPB sent a text to MB earlier today, asking for forgiveness and telling MB that she wanted nothing more to do with me because I had sent something to her house. Not knowing what she was up to, I sent HPB a text (via email) and asked her, "What are you doing now?" I also asked why she had contacted MB again. To make a long story short, she accused me of sending naked pictures of her (ones she said she had sent to me) to her home. According to her, the pictures (don't know how many) were sent to her home (I guess via snail mail), so her parents would see them. HPB said she had originally sent the pictures to me only, they had to have come from me. The weird part was that she acted desperate for me to admit to sending the pictures. I wasn't following what she was saying too well, so I started asking questions. She ended up saying, "Call me and I'll tell you the deal."

Reluctantly, I called her cell phone (first blocking my number). She proceeded to light into me over the accusation that I supposedly sent the pictures to her home. I kept telling her I didn't know what she was talking about -- and didn't understand why I was being accused, especially when one of the first things she told me was about her continued issues with another female (SW), her boyfriend (JT) and his mother (P). I told HPB she needed to look to them and not accuse me. I had no reason to send anything to her -- in any form. Again, she said I was the only person she had ever sent naked pictures to -- and that the pictures sent to her home were of her, naked. According to what she was saying, I had to be the culprit. Along with that, she also told me that she had given the pictures to the police, who were fingerprinting them. HPB also said that she was taking out a restraining order/contact order against me. Then, she told me that her parents had received the pictures and that she had "told them everything about us". She said that she could prove that I was the only one to whom she sent the nude pictures -- because she had gone to Verizon's website and gotten a printout of all of her text messages and who they went to. Lastly, she told me she would drop everything and forget what happened if I admitted to sending the pictures to her home.

Just for fun, there are some serious problems with the credibility of what HPB claimed.
1) There is no way she would give nude pictures of herself to the police, unless there was some serious threat associated with them. Since she didn't mention any threats, I assume none were made. In fact, she did say there was some text, but didn't tell me what it said.
2) If the police did have the pictures and had fingerprints from them, would she really need a confession from whomever sent them? I kinda doubt it as fingerprints are conclusive.
3) How would non-threatening pictures sent to her home constitute grounds for a restraining or contact order?
3a) I haven't been the initial contact for any communications between us in months. She has.
4) There is no way in Hell, 19 year old HPB told her 46 year old father that she had an affair with the 46 year old husband of one of her former high school teachers AND exclusively sent him nude pictures of herself -- NO WAY. Her father would have gone off on her for that. And I seriously believe that he would have called me or my wife, if that was the case.
5) Verizon's website doesn't have a page for bringing up every text message a subscriber has sent. This is especially true because 99% of the texts she sent to me were from when she was an Alltel customer. I seriously don't believe that Verizon pulled over all of Alltel's customers and their text messages.
6) If she had so much evidence that I was the person who sent the pictures, why even talk to me about it? Why not use the fingerprints and Verizon information to justify a restraining order and be done with me?
7) If she knew I was the culprit, why act so desperate for me to admit it? If I was the only person who had ever received nude pictures of her, why ask at all? Answer: I obviously wasn't the only person to receive nude pics of her. She just wanted to pin it on someone, so she picked me -- and that gave her a reason to contact MB (which she knew would lead to me getting in contact with her).

So, anyway... it was an interesting conversation -- one moment, she was fussing and accusing. The next, she was talking about her boyfriend, church, school, where she's moving -- like we were old friends. I couldn't help but laugh. The situation was comical. Even so, I have to admit that she was very mature in the way she handled herself -- no cussing and no screaming in the phone (like she used to do). She listened when I talked and acted adult in the way she talked to me. I was impressed with the conversation (other than the absurd subject matter).

I told her I would answer her question (Did I do it?) IF and only IF she would answer MY questions seriously. She promised she would. I told her that I would go first... She reluctantly agreed. I asked several questions, but the main one was: Were any of the ailments you told about real? The answer: "Most were not. I was seeking attention and I should not have lied to you like that." I specifically asked about the breast lump (real: calcification due to soft drinks; comes & goes), thigh lump (not real; bumped her leg on something), diabetes (not real), low blood sugar (semi-real: doesn't eat right, so she feels bad sometimes). Finally, the truth -- most all of the ailments were attention seeking lies.

HPB had told MB, in the texts she sent, that she had mistaken her feelings for me and the positive attention I paid to her as love. Without mentioning the texts, I asked HPB if I ever really meant anything to her. She said, "Yes, at one time. But right now, I'm mad at you." I said, "That's not what I mean and you know it. Was I ever special and meaningful to you." Her answer, "Yes. You were. I wanted you in alotta ways, but that can never happen. So... you're a friend to me." [That is not her words, verbatim, but a paraphrase of what she said.]

I also asked if the whole affair and constant conversation with me was a ploy to break up my marriage because she was mad at MB. She emphatically said, "No, it had nothing to do with her." I reminded HPB of the time she told me that some of the situation with me was about MB and HPB's anger towards her over a couple incidences from high school. She told me that she had been mad, but that her former feelings for me were real, not a vendetta against MB. I thanked her for her candor and we changed the subject.

After about 40 minutes on the phone, much of that time she rambled between the pictures topics and the drama with SW/JT/P, or the joy of her new boyfriend, TM,  I told HPB that I needed to go. She said she did, too. I told her that I enjoyed most of our conversation, except for the crazy part at the beginning. She said she did too. I said, "Take care." She replied, "I'll talk to you later." I asked, "Do you ever want to talk with me again?" She said, "Sure... yeah... If I see you and MB, I'll probably say HI and stop to talk with you. Why can't we be friends on Facebook? Oh that's right. She doesn't want you too." I said, "Ok, then. Take care." She said, "You, too. Bye". We hung up.

Hopefully, that will be the last of the drama from HPB. The thing I feel kinda bad about is that I allowed her to think I was the one who sent the pictures to her home. Truthfully, I don't know who sent what or if the entire story was a fabrication designed to get my attention. Who knows? Nonetheless, I got answers to some questions I have asked for months and months. So, the time on the phone was well worth it for me. I'm settled and feel comfortable if we never speak again.